Our First Year

I know I keep saying this, but I seriously cannot believe our anniversary is 2 days away. The last year has gone by in the blink of an eye, which makes me a little sad, but also tells me that it’s been a year full of memories and fun. Before getting married I think everyone wonders what the first year will be like – If you’re like me, you had people tell you that the first year was the hardest, or that it was terrible trying to figure the whole marriage thing out. You don’t know what to expect, so that uncertainty combined with those comments leads to some anxiety.

I remember the night before our wedding (if you haven’t read any of my wedding recaps – read this one! It’s seriously one of my favorites because of my sweet husband!) falling asleep praying I’d be a good wife, teammate, and best friend to David. I had no idea what the heck I was doing, but I knew that both of us were committing the rest of our lives to each other and promising to do anything in our power to make our marriage glorifying to God.

Honestly, I couldn’t be happier with how our first year turned out. I’m not saying we didn’t argue, didn’t disagree, or didn’t cry a few times out of frustration with each other. That definitely happened. But through all of that we learned about each other and about us as a married couple. We’d been together 6.5 years when we got married, but I feel like you learn so much more as a spouse. Marriage is a whole new level of commitment and closeness, and it teaches you so much.

I learned David constantly leaves his utensils/plates/cups in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher. I learned he needs warm water to brush his teeth. (Isn’t that odd?!) I learned he presses snooze about 30 times every morning. And I also learned more important things, like that he’s constantly helping his family/mom in some way – that he’ll drop absolutely anything to make sure he’s there for them. I learned that he’ll support me no matter what. I learned that he is the hardest working man I’ve ever known. While I probably ‘knew’ some of those things before, seeing it on a daily basis is totally different.

So much has happened in the last year. David supported me through nearly 3 months of unemployment following our wedding, and then celebrated with me when I found my first ‘big girl job.’ We experienced our first holiday season as our own family. We became a part of a new group of friends who we absolutely adore. We dealt with a ton and a half of family drama. We celebrated our first birthdays and holidays as husband and wife. We survived David finishing his last couple semesters of undergrad and his first real busy season as a public accountant. We grieved with a dear friend through the loss of her father/one of our mentors. We completed countless house projects. We hosted multiple family get-togethers and parties in our (now not so) new home. We watched friends get married, offered advice (are we even qualified?), and were even readers in one wedding. And through everything, we fell even more in love with each other.

I wouldn’t change a thing about our first year of marriage. Has it been easy? No, not really. But has it been worth it? MOST definitely. The one thing I’ve learned over and over again is that you must make your marriage a priority. It’s so easy to slip into a routine and end up living like roommates instead of husband and wife. You make time for everything else that’s important to you – Why wouldn’t you make time for working on the most important relationship in your life? Multiple people told me that marriage is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do, but also one of the most rewarding, and I couldn’t agree more.

I am SO blessed. And I’m so excited to see what the next year (and the many years after!) holds for us. Regardless of what happens, life is so good with David by my side. It’s so comforting to know I have a husband/best friend/teammate/partner/encourager for life.

I love you more than I ever thought was possible, babe! You’re my biggest blessing, and I’ll never be able to express how grateful I am for you, everything you do, and everything you are. Happy 1st anniversary!

Married ladies – What's the most important thing you learned your first year as a wife? I’m obviously still learning, and love advice!

Also, I have my last recap (tear!!) scheduled to go live later today. :( I can't believe I'm really finished. If you've missed any, be sure to catch up! 

Everything's Changing

No, don't worry - Nothing about the wedding or the fact that David and I are getting married is changing. But it feels like just about everything else is. Let me explain...

I've never been a big fan of change. It just makes me nervous. The first day of high school, starting a new job, leaving for college without any of my friends, deciding what to do with my life - Terrifying. But the next six months or so will be some of most life changing times I'll ever experience.

First, I'll finish school and become a college graduate. No more nights spent studying until 3 am? Wonderful! Working full-time at my first 'big girl job' instead? Exciting/scary!

Then I'll move out of a cute little house that I've shared with three other girls for the last two years:

And shortly after move into a cute little house with David:

source

We'll be back in the same city, living together for the first time, and we'll be homeowners!

We will no longer just be parts of our individual families:

We will have started our own little family:

And most exciting - We will finally be married!

Those are some pretty major changes. The thing is, I feel totally different about these changes. Is it intimidating and a little overwhelming sometimes? Of course! But I don't have the same scared/nervous/sick feeling that I'm used to. And the only explanation I have is that I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I know we'll offer each other support and encouragement that will get us through the stressful times and we'll be there celebrating together in the good times when we realize how incredibly blessed we are.

Are you experiencing other major life changes in addition to getting married?

PS - I reached 100 followers, so I'll have another giveaway starting on Monday! :) And if you haven't already, check out my current giveaway! Thanks to all of you for following, commenting, and offering advice and support - It's made blogging SUCH a rewarding experience! 

Confessions of a Young Bride: Part 1

There is one area of our relationship that I've never talked much about -- Our ages. I am officially a "young bride". Both David and I will be 21 when we get married in June. We've been together for over 6 years now, and everyone who knows us and has watched our relationship develop has been nothing but supportive of our decision to tie the knot. Our families are both extremely excited for us, and totally "approve" of our choice - I think both of our moms have known for years that we'd be married eventually.

Honestly, the only people I get comments from are ones I've never met before or don't know well. And what's interesting is that these same people are excited when they hear that I'm engaged. They ask questions about the planning, about David, and about our future plans. But if they happen to find out how old I am, their reaction totally changes. For some reason they become critical and downright rude. I get questions like, "WHY would you get married so young?!" and "Do you realize what the divorce rate is??" (Why do people think that kind of behavior is ok?!) It always seems like the people who know nothing about the situation are the ones most likely to make comments about it.

Do the questions bother me? I'd be lying if I said no. They're hurtful and irritating. But at the same time, I realize that a lot of times people say those things because they're thinking back to themselves at my age - Their level of maturity, their outlook on life, and their level of responsibility. Getting married at 21 wasn't right for them, and that's ok. I realize that what's right for me isn't necessarily what's right for the next person, and I have no problem with that.

While I agree there are couples that are likely too immature to make their marriage successful, I don't think that has anything to do with age. Maturity is so much more important. With maturity comes the realization that marriage is more than being in love with someone and putting a ring on their finger. Marriage is hard work and not always fun, but always worthwhile. It's choosing to love your spouse every morning. It's choosing to encourage and support your spouse in his/her goals and passions, even if/when they differ from your own. It's choosing to compromise and realize your spouse's needs are just as important as yours. It's promising (and then choosing) to be there in the good, the bad, and the downright ugly times. And that understanding doesn't come with age.

One of my favorite quotes I've found about marriage is this one:

"The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It's a choice you make - not just on your wedding day, but over and over again -- and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife. Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day." - Barbara De Angelis

The choice can be made when you're 21 or when you're 38. Does being older make your choice more authentic or credible? I don't think so. As long as you've made (and will continue to make) the choice in your heart, age is nothing but a number. 

Are you a young bride? Have you experienced this? 

Moving Deeper

I know my posts tend to focus on the wedding and usually not as much on the marriage. Sometimes thinking about our actual marriage is a little overwhelming. With the divorce rate as high as it is and the frequent stories about people we know giving up on their marriages, it can be a little scary.

We both understand that our marriage will not be easy. We've watched the marriages of the people closest to us struggle, and in some cases fall apart. I think a lot of people that don't know us as well think we're only making it harder on ourselves by getting married young. While I don't think it magically gets easier with age, I do acknowledge that many young couples end up divorced. David and I agree that it's important to learn from those with the life experience we're lacking to prepare ourselves as best we can for our future.

Over the weekend, we met with our friend's dad who is also a pastor at the church we're getting married at. The church requires that you meet with one of their pastors on staff even if he isn't officiating the ceremony. I had no idea how much knowledge we'd get in the hour we talked with him! He was totally open and honest with us about his own marriage and how hard it's been. He showed us two different diagram type things that he uses for the "nearly newlyweds" class he teaches, and I just loved one of them.

• The first function of a relationship is close proximity. As social beings, we long for a connection with another person. This is established through spending time together. A marriage functions as a way to form that connection and to be able to experience life together. 
• A relationship also functions as a safe haven. A marriage provides you with someone who will be there for you and is just as committed to you as you are to them. Pastor D said he likes to use the word covenant, which literally means a binding or sealed agreement. To establish a safe haven, however, you have to have trust, availability, love and commitment, responsiveness, and repair of disconnects. He talked about two kinds of trust - trusting your spouse's heart and trusting his/her character. Trusting his/her heart means you're able to be fully confident that he/she will be completely faithful to you emotionally and physically. Trusting his/her character means you're able to trust that his/her word means what it says. He gave the example that he'll tell his wife he'll be home by a certain time, but then gets caught up doing something. It's a little thing, but it makes it hard to trust his word. The other part that we focused on was the ability to repair disconnects. Pastor D brought up John Gottman, who wrote The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, which I read over the summer. Dr. Gottman says he's able to predict (with over 90% accuracy) whether a couple will last after 5 minutes of observing them interacting. One of the main things he looks for is whether couples are able to repair their relationship after disconnects.
• Another function of a marriage is as a secure base. Your spouse is the person that you'll always be able to go back to and find love. You can fail at work, in a friendship, whatever - Your spouse will still be on your side. Your spouse also provides a foundation for decision making and choosing a plan of action. 
• The fourth main function of a relationship is an alarm system. Your spouse will say, "Something's wrong here," even though that may mean he/she is met with denial or anger from you. Your spouse is the person who loves you enough to fix a problem, struggle, whatever even if fixing it is harder than ignoring/accepting it. 

I don't think any of that was something I'd never heard before, but the way it was laid out resonated with me for some reason. While I know it will be hard to be/provide all of those things, I know it'll be so rewarding! It made me even more excited for marriage and for the adventure it will be. I love that David enjoys "counseling" as much as I do - We love talking to people who have been in our situation and have had incredibly successful marriages. I can think of three different couples (all of which I've blogged about, actually! Pastor D and his wife, our officiant and his wife, and the couple I blogged about here - Hi Kathryn, if you're reading!) that we've met with that started out just like us - high school sweethearts, married right out of college - and are happier than ever! I know it's possible, and I know David and I can and will be just like them.

Have you taken a step back from wedding planning to focus on your marriage? Have you ever looked at a relationship the way the diagram does?

PS - He gave us 2 books to read, so I'll be posting them as soon as we find some time to read them! One of them is This Momentary Marriage by John Piper and the other is When Sinners Say 'I Do' by John Harvey. Have any of you heard of either of them?